


The Sun's Coming Over The Hill

by Ghille_Dhu



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Anorexia, Cutting, Death as a result of mental illness, Depression, F/F, F/M, Graphic Depictions of Illness, History of mental health, Hospitals, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Canon compliant, Post-Endgame, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Royal Betham Hospital, Section 31, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, descriptions of self harm, women and mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-24
Updated: 2012-05-24
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:34:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16331363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghille_Dhu/pseuds/Ghille_Dhu
Summary: Following Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, Janeway's mental health deteriorates resulting in Starfleet placing her on extended medical leave and a hospital admission.If The Federation is an ideal, how does it deal with those who can't fit that image?





	1. Roadless Soul

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is E rated for later chapters. It also contains some moderately graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide throughout and I mean throughout. Anorexia Nervosa is mentioned briefly in the first chapter. Death as a result of mental illness is spoken about also in the first chapter. If these things are not something you want to read about please do not read.
> 
> This is based of both my experiences as a mental health professional and as someone who used to self harm. 
> 
> I don't agree with every method the mental health professionals use in this, however I wanted to explore the idea of mental health in an idyllic society and how the Federation would deal with people who did not fit their idyllic mould.

######    
Some say you get what you deserve but their wrong  
  
Sometimes you get what you're given  
  
And then it's all gone  
  
And you are lucky if you are sufficiently strong  
  
To daily decide not to die  
  
Karine Polwart

  


**Bethlam Royal Hospital** **Name:** Catherine Mary Janeway **Admission:** 20th of May 1879 **Marital Status:** Married **Religion:** Church of England **Diagnosis:** Melancholia and Hysteria  
Patient spoke constantly of her husband. He had taken her to this hospital when he found she had been speaking with women on the women’s issue of votes. She is greatly distressed that he has brought her to The Bethlam  
**Death:** 31st of January 1885 **Cause of death:** Mental Exhaustion and Restless Melancholia

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (South London and Maudsley NHS Trust)** **Name:** Katie Janeway **Admission:** 31/01/2009 **Status:** Detained, Section 3 (Mental Health Act 1983) **Diagnosis:** Anorexia Nervosa  
Katie has had a history of eating disorders from the age of 12. During assessment she spoke about the need to be thin and that society needs women to thin. When she was told that she was dangerously underweight and that she was at risk of dying she quoted: ‘You can never be too rich or too thin’. Katie said that she needed to be thinner to be accepted. Katie would not accept that she was already underweight and believes that her GP and partner have replaced the scales to give a false weight.  
**Death:** 21/07/2009 **Cause of death:** Heart failure as a result of Anorexia Nervosa

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)** **Name:** Kathryn Janeway **Admission:** 21 July 2379 **Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365) **Diagnosis:** Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression  
Kathryn was referred to the Betham Royal after being placed on extended medical leave by Starfleet. Kathryn agreed to the admission as a condition of returning to Starfleet, however it was felt that following her unacknowledged suicide attempt that she should be held in the hospital. The records of what Kathryn and her crew experienced in the Delta Quadrant are sealed and we do not know if any particular event has triggered the current need for admission. It is felt by the team that the dangers and risks she faced on Voyager, as well as carrying the responsibility of being the most senior Starfleet officer on the ship have caused the deterioration in her mental state. Kathryn will not accept any medication or talking treatments, nor will she discuss her severe self harming behaviour or suicide attempt. At present Kathryn is unlikely to return to Starfleet in the near future and has little insight in to her behaviour.

  


Kathyrn heard the shouts before she saw her. A new inmate for the innocent imprisoned. Poking her head out of the uniform white door way of her room, she saw a young woman being restrained and pulled along by two oversized staff members She cocked an eyebrow at the sweat rolling down the staff members’ faces. ‘Damn, she must be strong’ Kathryn muttered under her breath. She had seen those particular members of staff manage to restrain a patient with Klingon heritage without it raising their heart rate. Kathryn moved back against the doorframe so as not to draw attention to herself as she watched the woman. The woman was human and tall, probably around 185cm with dark brown coloured hair, cut in to a shaggy bob. She felt she had seen her some where before but couldn’t place where. Certainly not from Voyager and looked too young to have shared her Academy days. Perhaps she had been on another ship she had served on? It was a mystery she wanted to solve and wished that she could speak to her. Suddenly the woman turned in Kathryn’s direction and glared at her. Hazel eyes narrowed and furious. 

‘And you can fuck off as well psycho bitch’ she shouted. 

Shaken, Kathryn ducked in to her room and stumbled back on to the clean, single bed. She fought to bring her emotions under control and instinctively reached for the small piece of shattered glass she kept under her pillow. Gripping it tightly she shoved up her sleeve and ran the glass light over her skin. It left a trail of blood in is wake. She stared at the red line beginning to drip down the scarred skin of her arm and felt the overwhelming feelings begin to dissipate and equilibrium begin to return. Why should she care what this unknown woman thought of her? She had fought the Borg, out witted the Devore Imperium and negotiated with the Q Continuum. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway. Well she used to be. And that was why she cared what this woman thought. She had felt momentarily connected to who she used to be. She missed that Kathryn.

With a mirthless huff Kathryn went to the bathroom and placed a paper towel over the cut. It was superficial, it wasn’t a problem. Odds are no one would even notice it. A small spot of blood soaked through the towel, the bright red spreading across the paper as the blood was absorbed. It was soothing to watch its movement, the pain, the loneliness, the disappointment were all very far away. Kathryn didn’t notice the continued shouts of the young woman or the noise of the ward until the blood had stopped its slow crawl. Reality began to tighten its grip. Fuck it. She sat on suddenly on the lavatory seat. She tipped her head back to stare at the immaculately clean ceiling. She hated thinking of Voyager. She carefully guarded all memories and thoughts of her ship and of her Starfleet career. Never allowing herself to remember or to think of it. The doctors wanted her to talk about it, thought it was something that had happened in the Delta Quadrant, which had caused this rapid decent in to self hatred and self harm. But she never opened her mouth. Refused to discuss it. Initially with Starfleet doctors and then when they gave up and put her on indefinite medical leave, civilian ones. She also had refused all dermal regenerations, which all medical personal appeared to think was confirmation of insanity. They didn’t understand. Kathryn didn’t care that they didn’t understand, but until they gave up or ceased to wonder she was stuck here.

Over the next week Kathryn saw the young women maybe two or three times. Once, being lead to the therapy rooms and twice in the corridors. She had not addressed anything directly towards Kathryn but she had distinctly heard the young woman muttering under her breath when she had passed. Idly Kathryn wondered if she had always been this paranoid or whether months of people trying to prod her brain in to giving up information had made her like this. Either way she was tired of it. Tired of her own continuous struggle not to speak and betray herself and tired of losing this battle.

Seeking distraction from her own thoughts Kathryn left her room and wandered down the corridors of the hospital. In the day room a few of the patients were sat about reading or painting, a couple were simply staring out the window listening to music. Kathryn flung herself down on one of the grey sofas; arms folded and stared towards the staff office. She had been sat there for no more than ten minutes when the new woman came in to the room. She spotted Kathryn and walked purposely towards her. She sat down next to her. Annoyance at the feelings this woman engendered made Kathryn want to hurt her. ‘I thought I was a psycho bitch’ Kathryn said staring ahead a slight smirk playing across her lips, using every tool at her disposal to bring this woman down. 

‘Sorry about that’ the woman replied. Kathryn turned to her, almost disappointed that she hadn’t gotten a rise. ‘I was pissed off and you were there’. ‘My name’s Sam, what’s yours?’ 

‘Kathryn’ replied Kathryn. ‘You seem to think I have a forgiving nature’ she went on seeing if she could push this. Sam didn’t appear shocked or upset by this remark but instead looked as though she was seriously considering it. 

‘I don’t know’ she replied after a brief pause ‘but there’s something about you that seems familiar or at least interesting.’ 

Internally Kathryn started. But she answered ‘what, we share some inner pain perhaps? We both have story that is too dark to share and no one understands’ a sneering tone had crept in to her voice. She hadn’t really meant it to, but the similarity of Sam’s feelings had surprised her and she wasn’t wiling to be vulnerable towards this woman yet. Sam didn’t raise her voice or move from where she was sat but told Kathryn quietly yet firmly to go fuck herself. Kathryn giggled slightly and Sam smiled at her. 

‘See, I knew we had something in common’. 

‘I’m not sure gratuitous swearing is character trait’ Kathryn laughed. 

‘Oh, but it is, it is’ Sam responded. ‘You want to go for a walk?’ Sam asked. 

‘Sure’ replied Kathryn. ‘I’ll run that risk seeing as you nearly took out two of the toughest staff in the place’. Sam snorted and looked slightly pleased with herself. Kathryn pushed herself off the sofa. ‘Come on then, let’s go if we’re going’. She put out her hand towards Sam and Sam took it and got to her feet. Kathryn had surprised herself with the gesture. It was friendlier than she had been with any patient in the six months she had been here. Once standing, Sam towered over Kathryn and she struggled to keep up with Sam’s long strides.

They walked towards the immaculate gardens of the hospital. Originally the hospital had stood on a hill looking down towards London, however gradually the suburbs had begun to swallow it and at some point the Federation had decided to move the hospital. Literally and painstakingly moving it, brick by brick. Presumably wanting to preserve the historic building that had seen so much of human history. It was now situated further out of the city in the rolling Kent countryside. Kathryn supposed it was more peaceful than within the city itself but it made her feel cut off, as though she had not only been rejected by Starfleet but by society as a whole. Out of sight out of mind. In the idealism of the 24th century perhaps the illnesses they could not cure were an embarrassment to the medical profession so they chose to hide it away in the country where they could not see or hear their failures.

Kathryn and Sam headed towards the slightly wooded area of the gardens where there were benches and even a restored Victorian drinking water fountain. Kathryn sat on the table of one of the wooden picnic benches and Sam sat beside her, their feet resting on the seat, looking away from the hospital building and over the chalky soil towards London. They sat in silence for a while and Kathryn began to feel uncomfortable. She had never been shy but since returning to Earth she lost confidence. She had spent so much time hiding what was going on that the only confidence she had left was in her ability to fabricate. Kathryn shifted in her seat which must have attracted Sam’s attention. ‘So, this isn’t exactly new to me so I think I’ll get the obvious out of the way first’. Kathryn turned with a slight frown. ‘Why are you here?’ Rolling her eyes Kathryn didn’t answer. She should have guessed that was the most obvious first question, after all, the reason they were locked up here was the only thing that bound them together. All of their history and personality distilled in to a diagnosis and a group of mental health professionals’ signatures on legal paperwork. However, for the first time since she had come to the mental health world’s attention Kathryn didn’t want to push away and close down. Sam didn’t speak again and the silence became more persistent. Kathryn understood that Sam’s persistence was stronger than her will to remain silent.

'I came back wrong apparently’ Kathryn replied. Sam looked at her raising one eyebrow in question to this cryptic remark. ‘I am, or I was, a Starfleet captain. My ship got thrown across the galaxy and it took us seven years to get home. When we got back they didn’t like some of what I was saying and they felt my behaviour was not good enough for Starfleet’. 

‘You were Voyager’s captain?’ Sam asked. 

‘Yes. I see you have heard of me’ Kathryn said looking down at her soft canvas shoes. 

‘I remember reading about it over the years’ Sam clarified ‘but I didn’t remember your name. You left from DS9, didn’t you? But before the war started? Or before the Federation forced the Romulans’ hand? Kathryn stared in confusion but was interrupted before she could form the question by Sam speaking again, rapidly as though she need to get all the information out in a hurry. ‘I don’t know why I am here. I get bounced from hospital to hospital but no one will give me a convincing reason why’. Kathryn said nothing to this. She was trying to think what Sam could have been referring to when she said the Federation forced the Romulans in to the war. Kathryn knew her knowledge of this was hazy. She hadn’t been in the quadrant for most of conflict and she hadn’t been listening when she returned. Pulling herself back to the present Kathryn focused on what Sam was saying; it sounded unlikely that Sam did not know why she was here. It was a refrain Kathryn used frequently but she knew perfectly well why people in the Federation , _thought_ she should be here. Kathryn turned her head slightly to she could covertly look at her. Sam wore a grass green vest top and shorts set and Kathryn could see her long, strong golden limbs were completely scar free. Most forms of psychosis could now be cured but there were a couple that remained difficult to treat. Perhaps this is what was going on with Sam. It would explain her inability to know why she was here. ‘I know that sounds mad’ Sam continued as though there hadn’t been any pause in the conversation. ‘People mainly assume I am delusional, which I bet is what you are thinking right now. Running though those incurable psychotic and delusional disorders were you?’ Sam smiled to take the sting out of her words. Kathryn had the grace to blush and look away. ‘It’s okay’ Sam said ‘it’s what everyone I try and talk to thinks’. Looking over the gardens Kathryn remained silent. 

‘I don’t know what to think Sam’ she said eventually. ‘We don’t know each other and I don’t intend to stay here for long so does it matter what I think?’ 

“I suppose not. But it would be nice to be believed’ 

‘I suppose it would’ Kathryn echoed back. Sam gave a small smile 

‘This is now my forth hospital. If this keeps going I could start a shopper’s guide. It would be something to do. But going back to you, they won’t let you out again unless you agree to some dermal regeneration on those scars of yours’. Kathryn had been running her hand through her overgrown bobbed hair which had caused her sleeve to ride up her arm exposing the battered flesh beneath. Hurriedly she tugged her sleeve back down and gave her best death stare. Sam shrugged ‘or don’t, but agreeing to heal your scars will give them reason to think you want to get better’. Sam used air quotation marks over the last two words. 

‘Perhaps I like them’ Kathryn said softly. 

‘Perhaps you do and I’m sure you have a set of complicated reasons why you do what you do etc but that is not an attitude the powers that be think is healthy’. ‘

Then they are in the wrong’ Kathryn replied, her voice dark and flat. Sam shook her head and smiled up at the Oak tree they were sat under. ‘I told you, I’ve been in lots of hospitals for lots of years, and I know the game and that is not how the game is played Kathryn.’

A surge of anger ran through Kathryn. How dare this damned woman patronise her like that. Who the fuck was she to make these judgements? She jumped off the bench and started walking briskly back towards the building. She would not give Sam the satisfaction of looking back or running but she would not sit there a minute longer and listen to a lecture. She heard Sam calling after her ‘Okay Kathryn, go and hack your arms some more, that will show Starfleet’. Angry tears stared building in Kathryn’s eyes as she strode across the manicured lawn. She blinked them back furiously. Once she was sure she was out of sight of Sam she started to run. Her mind was racing and she grabbed on to the only thought clear enough to decipher. Rounding the corner she headed towards the greenhouses her feet crunching on the gravel that surrounded them. She reached the first of the beautiful Victorian greenhouses which still had some of the original wrought iron work around the door. Using all her strength she slammed her elbow into one of the panes of glass trying to break it. The glass had been toughened to prevent this but Kathryn knew how to fight and after several more attempts the glass shattered. Knowing she had only a minute before someone came she loosened a large piece of jagged glass still resting in the frame. Sheignored the biting pain in her elbow which somewhere in her mind registered as a possible break. Bringing the glass up to her neck she pressed in and slashed across the side of her throat. Blood began to run freely down on to her collar and her vision began to darken at the edges. She vaguely heard voices coming towards her across the gravel and she felt hands catch her as she fell to the ground.


	2. Modern Leper

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**

**Name:** Kathryn Janeway

**Admission:** 21 July 2379

**Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)

**Diagnosis:** Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression

Kathryn is continuing to experience suicidal ideation and today required an emergency transport to Kings Hospital following an incident where she broke a pane of glass in one of the green houses and used the glass to make a laceration across her neck. The doctors at Kings were able to repair the damage (report attached) and she will return to the Bethlam in two days. The team agrees that she requires closer supervision and that she be accompanied 24 hours a day. We also agree that she not be allowed in to the grounds for the next two weeks to give us an opportunity to see that her behaviour has stabilised. Kathryn continues to refuse all forms of treatment and we believe that she would have refused treatment for her recent neck injury if she had been able to do so, which would have lead to certain death. Our belief is that Kathryn’s mood is dangerously low and we may have to use powers under her current Article 31 Hold to force compliance with a drug regime to improve her mood. It is hoped that this will decrease any feelings of suicidal ideation and reduce incidents of self harm.

She thought she was lying on the grass near the brook in Fairhaven on the Holodeck. She heard a babbling sound like water over smooth stones and she felt blades of rough dried grass poking between her fingers. She relaxed against the grasses allowing the soothing sensations to wash over her. Gradually the noises changed and the water began to sound like low voices, and the grass began to feel like fabric. She opened her eyes a chink to see who was talking. She could see people she didn’t know wearing the fitted outfits used for surgery, she went to move her arm so she could sit up and winced in pain. She must have drawn her breath in as she did this as one of people in the room (she could only assume they were surgeons) turned around. ‘You’re awake Kathryn’, she said. Looking up at the person who had spoken Kathryn saw that the woman was a Vulcan, her face impassive and unmoving. She walked around Kathryn to a control panel and raised the bed so Kathryn was sat up. ‘Do you remember what happened?’ Kathryn looked at her blankly, too confused to attempt to answer to the question. The surgeon continued, ‘You are in Kings Hospital. We had use an emergency transport, as your blood loss was too severe. We have repaired the damage to your neck and elbow but both will be sore for a fortnight or so’. Please do not attempt any physical activity during this period as it may cause further damage. Try and get some rest. We will be moving you shortly on to the recovery ward’ and with that she left the room. Jumbled memories floated to the surface, her anger at Sam and the need to feel anything other than what she had been feeling, the greenhouses. Shit, she must have done some damage to require emergency surgery. Shit, shit, shit. Kathryn hoped vainly that this wouldn’t get back to Starfleet. She had no idea what or whether the hospital sent reports or not, but if they did, this would not please Starfleet Medical. Kathryn watched as the other people in the room began to pack up their stacks of PADDs . She noticed they kept glancing covert glances at her and she wondered if they were scared of her or simply recognised her. After all, it had been less than a year since Voyager’s return, her face had been well known for a while. The room emptied out until just one young nurse remained. He smiled shyly towards Kathryn. Kathryn smiled back pleased to be shown a little warmth after the Vulcan surgeon’s cold and logical treatment. He approached Kathryn, ‘Captain Janeway?’ 

‘it’s just Kathryn’ she replied wincing slightly at the title. 

‘Are you in pain? Should I call back the doctor?’ 

‘No I’m fine’. Kathryn replied wondering where this conversation was going. 

‘Are you sure? T’Meni’s bark is worse than her bite.’ 

‘I’m fine Nurse’ Kathryn snapped. The nurse took a step back from the Biobed. He was frightened of her she concluded. She deliberately softened her tone ‘I’m sorry I spoke to you like that. What was it you wanted to say?’ 

“It was n-nothing’ he was edging towards the door and semi stumbled over a chair ‘I just wanted to check the name on the records’. Kathryn sank back on the pillows as she heard the soft swish of the door and his rapidly departing footsteps. Tears squeezed past Kathryn’s determination not to show emotion. The fabric of the hospital pillow was such that they were not absorbed, but instead sat there like rain on a widow pane. Why was he frightened of her? Why had they all been frightened of her? She was in no condition to attack them and even if he had been why would they assume that she would want to? No, they were frightened because they thought that someone who could do what she had done to herself must be violent. Maybe she was violent, if it hadn’t been for Chakotay she would have allowed aliens to kill Noah Lessing, she forced Tuvix to undergone a procedure he didn’t want to, she had risked crushing her ship and everyone in to get rid of the aliens on board and she could go on. Everything hurt and she could find no way to make it better, as the tears continued to build on the pillow and trickle down on the sheet, she wished the transporter had failed.

Two days later and Kathryn was back at the Bethlam Royal Hospital. No amount of explaining, attempting to pull rank or simply pleading had persuaded the staff at Kings Hospital that it had been an accident. Kathryn was aware that her arguments were weak and a little peculiar (I mean who attempts to cut their hair with broken glass having first broken a window pane), but she was desperate. She had hated the mix of fear, sympathy and amusement on the doctors’ faces but she had thrown what was left of her pride out the airlock in her attempts to not return to that hospital. She knew it was meant to be one of he best, with some of the most advanced treatments available but it was a prison. There was nothing wrong with her, why couldn’t they see that? When she had put this to the Betazoid counsellor that had sat with her at Kings she had asked Kathryn to consider what she would have done if one of her crew had cut their throat or continually self harmed. Kathryn knew what she had done. She had removed B’leanna from duty and placed her under The Doctor’s care. But that was different, circumstances were different. She could not afford for her Chief Engineer to be so caviller with her own life. There was limited skilled manpower on the ship and she needed her. That was all. She understood the behaviour and the desire. She didn’t however tell the counsellor this. She didn’t want her motivations and memories pulled apart by this woman any more than she wanted them pulled apart by any of the staff at the Bethlam.

As a result of what the staff insisted on calling ‘the incident’, Kathryn now had someone with 24 hours a day. Initially they had allowed her to use the toilet and bathe on her own but after Kathryn had made a deep laceration down her forearm which she had refused treatment for and instead had sat watching the blood run down the side of the bath, they removed that ‘privilege’. It was completely humiliating. She was told that she would be able to be by herself again when they saw some progress. Kathryn had told them to fuck off and had tried to run out of the door but she had been restrained by two staff members and brought to her room. So she was now reduced to being followed about like a small child. She had commanded a starship and now they treated her as though she was an unruly five year old.

She had seen brief glimpses of Sam around the hospital and through the window in the grounds but hadn’t spoken to her since her return. She wanted to talk to her again, apologise for her behaviour. She wanted someone to talk to, someone to take away the emptiness, but maybe Sam wouldn’t want to talk her now she had a Nanny with her all day every day. Maybe Sam would find it ridiculous talking to a grown woman who needed a Nanny. After several days of dithering, Kathryn left her room and went to the library. She didn’t know if Sam ever went there but she hadn’t been in the day room whenever Kathryn had gone in and as she was not yet allowed outside so she thought this might be her best chance. Walking through the wooden double doors of the library, always gave the feeling of stepping back in time. Books lined the old shelves and the ceiling stretched upwards to eternity. Light from a series of skylights shone down in patches recreating the sun’s rays. Kathryn drifted up and down the rows of shelves; she could hear the light step of the staff member behind her. She ran her hand absentmindedly across the spines of the books creating an odd rhythm as she walked past. She paused as she drew near a table with some armchairs placed in a corner where rows of bookshelves met. Sam was sat there, book in hand and look of fierce concentration on her face. Kathryn approached and sat in the armchair next to Sam. ‘Hallo’ she said gently. Sam looked up and gave a tight smile which widened when she saw who it was. 

‘Hallo’ replied Sam. Sam’s brow knitted together as she saw the raised line along Kathryn’s neck. The only remaining physical reminder of what had happened. Kathryn had been told that she could have the skin regenerated at a later date but at the moment it was too fragile. Kathryn had simply rolled her eyes at this and the doctor at Kings had backed away rapidly as though he feared she might try and slash his throat. There was an awkward pause and both Sam and Kathryn spoke together 

“I’m sorry I behaved like that’ ‘I’m sorry I upset you.’ Sam gave a tinny laugh, ‘I forgot you aren’t feeling very well and I shouldn’t have foisted my cynicism upon you. It’s your business what you do.’ The use of the phrase ‘unwell’ grated across Kathryn’s mind but she hadn’t the energy for an argument so she smiled down at the table. ‘Why did you do it?’ Kathryn glanced up at Sam slightly fearful that she would find only scorn written across her features. But all she saw was genuine confusion. 

‘I don’t know’ replied Kathryn. I couldn’t breathe or think and needed something to change. 

‘I followed you’ Sam said softly, ‘I wanted to say sorry for what I shouted after you, about Starfleet. I was still on the lawn and I heard shouting and a transporter beam, but by the time I got round the corner all that was there was a gaggle of staff and a pool of blood. I thought you were dead.’ Sam leant forward in to her book. Kathryn couldn’t see her expression behind the curtain of hair. There was a muffled sniff and Sam sat back again. ‘Please, just tell me if I say something wrong, don’t try and kill yourself’. 

‘That isn’t what happened. I didn’t try and kill myself. Why does every keep saying that?’ Sam wisely didn’t responded, probably sensing that there were only wrong answers to that question. They sat there in silence Kathryn staring at the floor and Sam staring at her open book. “What are you reading?’ Kathryn finally asked when the tension had become unbearable. 

‘An Ian Fleming, James Bond novel. Spies and espionage etc. Seeing what happens to people who know too much’. Sam said. 

‘Any good?’ enquired Kathryn ‘a little out dated and full of hyperbole’ responded Sam shutting the book covers together with a snap. ‘Lets get out of here’ Sam said pulling Kathryn to her feet so suddenly she nearly fell over. She set off across the library floor, the staff member had leapt up after them and followed step for step. Sam kept hold of the hand she had pulled Kathryn up with and lead her in to the day room. She gently pushed Kathryn down on to the same grey sofa they had first spoken on and handed her a set of headphones. ‘I’ll play you some of my favourite music and then you can play me yours’. Kathryn took the headphones whilst Sam gave the voice command to the computer. Kathryn leant back against the clinical smelling sofa, with Sam sat beside her. She was unfamiliar with the music, but it felt soothing. Gradually her eyes started to close and she fell asleep resting her head awkwardly against Sam’s collar bone. Sam slowly moved Kathryn’s head down until she was resting on her lap.

Kathryn wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep but she was woken suddenly by a staff member’s booming voice telling herself and Sam not to sit like that. Kathryn flung herself away from Sam, over compensated and landed on the floor with a thump. Kathryn blushed furiously as she heard the staff member reprimand her colleague for allowing them to sit together so closely. Sam appeared to have no reaction beyond rolling her eyes and staring doggedly ahead. Sam never seemed cowed or embarrassed when she was reprimanded but neither did she ever argue or object. It was as though she simply chose to ignore her surroundings and treat the hospital as though it was simply another inconvenient address in a long line of inconvenient addresses. If what she had said was true and she had been admitted to many different hospitals then perhaps this was indeed the case. When the staff member had drifted off to no doubt terrorise another colleague or patient, Sam got up and left the room without a word. Kathryn put her hand on the sofa and pushed herself up to standing. She felt silly standing there on her own, especially after the sideshow she had given people and felt her only course of action was to go back to her bedroom. Sam hadn’t even said good bye and Kathryn wondered whether she was regretting the intimate moment they had shared and needed to get away from her. Or maybe Sam had expected her to follow her? But if that was the case why had she not said anything? Kathryn put her hand to her forehead, there were too many thoughts to untangle and too many emotions to process and it was giving her a headache. She was weary. She had been tired for so long and there seemed to be no end to the exhaustion. Kathryn knew that part of her problem was her engineered isolation. She had made no effort to be friendly to any other patient and when a patient had spoken to her she had thrown it back at them either through being abominably rude or walking away. She even knew why she had behaved like that, she hated that her rank had been so carelessly discarded by Starfleet and she had essentially be demoted to civilian. She didn’t want to be friendly because on some level that would mean acknowledging their similar status. Now, when she felt lonely and tired she had no one to talk to.

Kathryn thought that this persistent exhaustion, anger and emptiness would pass once she was home and no longer isolated by circumstance. But it didn’t. It just grew and grew until she had needed some physical action to compensate. Maybe it was just her, and blaming the Delta Quadrant was simply easier. The thoughts continued to swirl in her brain refusing to quieten. Kathryn felt the feeling of tiredness shift and lose its potency until she felt nothing. Fear gripped her, she couldn’t stand this; the other emotions were terrible and draining and corrosive but to feel nothing was to be drained of any life until all that was left was existence. She sat propped up on her bed and she saw the Nanny sat in the corner by the door. The Nanny was looking at something happening down the corridor. She could vaguely hear some shouting and the smack of shoes on the hard floor. Seeing she was distracted Kathryn reached for her small splinter of glass. Her room had been searched following ‘the incident’ but she was better at hiding than they were at finding and she had kept the splinter in the seam of her pillowcase. They had found the found the razor blade hidden in her bottle of bubble bath and the larger pieces of glass scattered around the room but they had not found this one. She pushed up her right sleeve, keeping her eyes on the Nanny who was happily engaged in watching someone else’s misery unfold. Pressing down as hard as she could she managed to get in three deep gashes before Nanny’s head whipped round. As she was about to draw the glass across her arm to make a fourth cut, Nanny’s hand caught her by the wrist. At some point she had clearly pressed her alarm because almost instantly two other staff members entered the room. Kathryn semi smiled as they all fussed around her. She could still make people jump to attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note, all chapter titles are song titles by Frightened Rabbit.


	3. Behave!

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
 **Name:** Kathryn Janeway  
 **Admission:** 21 July 2379  
 **Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
 **Diagnosis:** Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression  
Kathryn had a further self harming incident today. She cut along her forearm three times causing deep lacerations. She again refused treatment for these. The team feels that medication is the best available option which we will administer without consent if necessary. Dr Sahana Amir will have a compulsory meeting with Kathryn tomorrow and explain this and allow her to agree to alternative treatments or accept medication. Dr Amir will also discuss a renewal of her current Article 31 Hold and the report to Starfleet.

As a result of this, Kathryn found herself in the psychiatrist’s office the next day. She had again refused all treatment except the placing of gauze over the wounds to stem the bleeding. She had not been in this office for a while, they told her about her thrice weekly appointments but she never attended. However this one came as more of an order than an offer of an appointment and when she hadn’t moved from her bed the staff made to walk her down the corridor. Feeling as though she had faced enough humiliation for this lifetime Kathryn had decided that going there under her own steam would be the least demeaning of all the available options. The doctor was already sat in the office in one of the several chairs in the room. The doctor nodded at the staff members who withdrew leaving Kathryn alone with her. Kathryn had chosen to sit in an overstuffed dark green armchair and sighing inwardly she leant on the arm of the chair, her hand cupping her face in what she hoped was a tolerant yet disinterested stance.

The doctor told Kathryn that she had been given this appointment because the team were very concerned about her. The continued self harm, the further suicide attempts demonstrated to the team that Kathryn was not only not ready to leave but that she possibly would need a continuance on her current Hold, which was due to expire. The psychiatrist explained that they understood it was difficult for Kathryn to open up to people after having spent so long as the leader of the sole Starfleet crew in the quadrant but they needed to see some engagement with the process. As Kathryn was seething in resentment and frustration, the doctor went on to say ‘we are also going to start you on a drug regime. The drugs we shall be giving you are designed to lift mood. We don’t like forcing medication on to people without their consent which is why we have given you time, about six and a half months, to engage with us in whatever way you wanted to. However you haven’t done this so we feel that there is no option but to use the powers afforded to us under you Article 31 Hold’. Then she uttered the words Kathryn really didn’t want to hear. ‘I’m not sure whether you remember that Starfleet have asked us to send a monthly report to them. I shall obviously have to write in it all the recent incidents. They may wish to discharge you on medical grounds. I’m sorry, I know your career is very important to you, and I shall stress that we still believe that you can make a full recovery.’. At these words Kathryn had sat bolt upright in her chair, giving the doctor the benefit of her best death stare. 

‘What do you all want me to say to you?’ Kathryn asked. ‘That I feel sad because of all the bad things that happened? My decisions making was poor and I was a bad captain? Or that I’m very sorry?’. 

‘I don’t want you to say any of those things Kathryn. I want you to talk about why you feel so badly you tried to kill yourself twice and cut yourself repeatedly’. The psychiatrist replied. 

‘I didn’t try and kill myself’. Answered Kathryn. 

‘Well if neither were suicide attempts, you have to agree they were some serious self harm’. 

‘I didn’t try and kill myself’ Kathryn said again. ‘I want that to be made very clear in your report’. Kathryn practically spat the word report at the doctor. She got up out the chair, holding on to her composure so tightly she feared she would fracture in to a thousand pieces if she let go, and walked out the door.

She wanted to be alone and the constant internal dialogue to cease. The only way she knew how to make her head shut up was to cut and they had now removed every last one of her means of doing this. She was making her way back to her room and she found that she could not breathe. She felt her chest tighten and her legs feel weak. She sank slowly down to the floor, leaning against the endless white corridor wall to help her keep her balance. Starfleet would discharge her, her whole career would be in tatters, she could be stuck in here for years with everything she was being reduced down to nothing. Until she was only a patient number on a page in an anonymous office and Captain Kathryn Janeway would be a distant memory. Her chest continued to tighten and she her heart hammered painfully against her ribs. Nanny, who had initially just stopped and waited for her to get up with barely concealed impatience, was now crouched beside her looking concerned. ‘It’s okay Kathryn, everything’s alright’ Nanny said, in a far more gentle tone than she or anyone used when talking to her. ‘No it isn’t okay’ whispered Kathryn as she tried to get a grip on her breathing. ‘You’re having a panic attack’ continued Nanny, ‘it will pass. I need you to try and relax. Try and think of somewhere that feels safe, maybe your home, surrounded by your family’. The wall Kathryn had built around her memories of Voyager began to crumble further and she drew her legs up to chest and rested her head on her knees. 

‘I can’t do that, I can’t do that, I can’t do that’ Kathryn said over and over again until he words became meaningless. Nanny sat down beside her on the floor and Kathryn started to cry. Silent sobs making her shoulders heave and causing tears to soak the sleeve of her top. Nanny didn’t say anything just sat there and giving her shoulder the odd pat as Kathryn continued to cry surrounded by the everyday noises of the hospital.

Eventually the tears ended but still she sat unable to face even this reduced hospital world. She was exhausted and she wanted nothing more than to sleep. The thought of being able to just sleep and cut off from everything even for a while became more tempting and Kathryn looked up at the corridor wall opposite from where she was sat. With an effort she hauled herself to her feet and concentrated on counting the floor tiles until she was safely back in her room. Once there she fell on to the bed with a sigh and fell immediately in to a deep sleep.

Kathryn didn’t awake until early the following morning when she heard her name being called. Kathryn opened her eyes and found herself staring at the trouser clad legs of a nurse holding a hypospray. Shaking off sleep Kathryn sat up as the nurse told her that she had her medication ready. Kathryn flinched away from the hypospray and made to get out of bed, but before she could untangle her legs from the sheets two staff members were restraining her and the nurse pushed the hypospray in to her neck and clicked for the dose to be released. ‘It doesn’t have to be a fight Kathryn’ the nurse said before leaving the room.


	4. Good Arms vs Bad Arms

  
**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)[/br][/strong]**  
  
**Name:** Kathryn Janeway  
  
**Admission:** 21 July 2379  
  
**Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
  
**Diagnosis:** Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression  
  
Kathryn has continued to refuse all medication for the past five days and it has been administered against her consent. The team hopes that the full effects of the medication will soon be felt and the lift in mood this will provide will support Kathryn’s decision making around treatment. There have been no further incidents of self harm by cutting but we believe that this is probably as a result of being staffed 24 hours a day and having no recourse to do so rather than any reduction in desire. Staff have observed Kathryn having greater engagement with her emotions and she has been seen to cry several times within this period, something that has not been seen prior to this.  


****

Kathryn had counted five days of this enforced drug regime. Today was day six. She no longer had the fight to keep trying to dodge the inevitable. She smiled remembering when she had made two staff members chase her around the room for a good ten minutes before finally catching up with her and restraining her so the nurse could jab the hypospray in to her. But she didn’t want a repeat of that. It was ridiculous. Maybe Sam was right and this was a game to be played and she needed to abide by the rules to get what she wanted. Hell, on Voyager she had to negotiate with many species who had rules she disliked, the Devore being particularly memorable but also the Tak Tak where she had offended practically the entire planet but simply putting her hands on her hips. She’d had to play ball then, perhaps if she saw this as another first contact it would help get her through. 

****

A nurse entered the room bringing behind him an entourage of staff, obviously expecting a struggle. Kathryn simply sat up and twisted herself round until she sat on the side of the bed and tiled her head to the side to expose her neck. The nurse asked his usual questions about how she was feeling and Kathryn gave her usual answers. The dose was administered without issue and Kathryn could almost smell the disappointment from a member of staff whom she had pegged early as the type of man who enjoyed it when patients’ kicked off. She turned to him and smirked and she was rewarded by the slightest flickering frown. A very brief dip of the eyebrows and curl of the mouth. Kathryn smirked more broadly at his retreating back. Today would be better. She knew now how to play things. She would go to their idiotic appointments, she would take their pharmaceutical concoction and she would let them congratulate themselves on their modern and tolerant approach. It wouldn’t matter because she would win. 

****

Kathryn had barely left her room for the past five days, she had been to emotionally and physically exhausted. She had felt so broken by the doctor’s words and the fear of being discharged from Starfleet that she had been paralysed and she had devoted all her energy in to refusing to let them medicate her. However following what she could only describe as an epiphany she felt renewed and wanted to see some walls that weren’t in her bedroom. She got dressed (Nanny had the decency to turn her back for that part), brushed her hair and headed out. She drifted through to the day room and immediately saw Sam. Sam had her back to her, paintbrush in hand in the process of dabbing blue paint on to a half completed canvas. Kathryn walked up behind her, Nanny had opted to stand against the wall by the door way content to just watch her, she tapped Sam smartly on the shoulder. 

****

Sam turned and gave her a half smile. ‘So you’ve shown up again’. She said disinterestedly. ‘Sorry’ murmured Kathryn ‘it was one of those weeks’. ‘One of those weeks where your legs and mouth cease to work and you cannot move or speak?’ Sam said with the air of someone who has far better conversations to be getting on with. Kathryn knew Sam had good reason to be pissed off with her. I know, I know. I was an idiot’. You were being a dick’ retorted Sam. ‘Fine, yes. I was being a dick. I’m sorry. There are no excuses for directing my dick at you’. Sam flushed at this remark, and continued to dab paint on the canvas for a further few seconds before turning round and smiling. ‘I forgive you. Dickishness forgotten’. Kathryn smiled back. ‘Good because I came here to pay you a compliment’. ‘Go on’ said Sam giving Kathryn’s arm a gentle stroke. ‘You were right. There is a game of sorts to be played and hoops to jump through and I just never saw it before’. Kathryn then described her views on hospital vs first contact and the necessity of following rules to achieve an ultimate goal. ‘Do you agree?’ Kathryn asked when she had come to the end of her comparison. ‘Do you really want to know what I think? I used to know someone else who wanted to know my thoughts then felt I was being far too dramatic and intense and laughed at them’ replied Sam. ‘I really want to know and I promise I won’t laugh’. Sam paused for what felt like a long time and when she spoke it wasn’t what Kathryn expected to hear:

****

‘You are right to believe that. Women throughout history have had to play a game to get to leave hospitals. Their reactions have been sane reactions to an insane world yet they are always treated like the outcast. A world that has demanded that women conform to certain ideas of womanhood, a world that has told women that they are there to look nice and to starve themselves to achieve this. And a world now which tells us that no one can react to grief and stress and loneliness except in limited accepted ways.’

****

Kathryn was surprised by the strength of Sam’s reaction, but it made sense. Kathryn knew that there were healthier coping strategies than what she did but she couldn’t let go of her one outlet. What she wanted was for professionals to acknowledge that cutting made sense. She wasn’t mad, everything that had happened in the Delta Quadrant had led to this behaviour and why should she have to sit down and say that she was wrong for using a razor? A poor coping strategy perhaps, but it was morally neutral. ‘So the only way to leave these places is to accept that you are in the wrong and should never have done whatever it was that lead you to the door of the hospital?’ ‘Precisely’ said Sam darkly. It’s an unfair game where the rules shift depending on the rhetoric of the day’. ‘How long have you thought this?’ Asked Kathryn, silently adding ‘and why didn’t you tell me?’ ‘I read a book at university called Cassandra by Florence Nightingale. It’s basically an allegory for her frustrations of the limitations placed on women and how a natural reaction to that is to go mad. I never thought about it really, until I was first admitted. Then it made a horrible kind of sense.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘Just get the dermal regeneration.’ Sam continued. ‘It’s what they want. To want scars is mad to want them to go is not. It’s a binary thought process they wouldn’t tolerate in any other patient, but they, as I have said, write the rules.’ Sam stood up and ran her hand along Kathryn’s back before continuing ‘they’ll think it’s the medications kicking in and just congratulate themselves on their excellent care plan’. Kathryn noted the hand and gave an internal smirk and then turned and walked determinedly towards where Nanny stood. She glanced over her shoulder at Sam who was now aggressively painting a red slash across her art work. Kathryn smiled at Nanny and politely asked whether it would be possible to see her doctor today. Nanny walked to the staff room and spoke to a colleague briefly. Kathryn was informed that she would be able to see her psychiatrist that afternoon. 

****

Kathyn stood outside the psychiatrist’s office amazed by what had just happened. She had done what Sam had suggested and the doctor had practically given her a round of applause. Sam hadn’t given any advice on what to say but Starfleet had taught her the fine art of bullshit and she had informed the doctor that although she didn’t yet feel as she used to, (she had been careful not to say she felt amazing as miraculous recoveries could raise questions), she did feel that her scars reminded her of all her negative feelings and she wanted to encourage a more positive mindset and dermal regeneration could help with that. The doctor had scheduled a round of dermal regeneration in the next hour and had suggested that Kathryn would like some fresh air in the mean time. Kathryn felt like skipping out the door. It was working.

****

Kathryn walked aimlessly through the gardens for the next hour. Pushing all thoughts away as soon as they raised their voice. She concentrated on what she could see, smell and hear and after two weeks of having barely seen the sky there was enough to distract. Nanny informed her that it was time to head back inside to her appointment. Kathryn allowed herself to be lead down the various corridors, past the closed doors until they came to a small suite of rooms. Inside a couple of Biobeds were in the centre of the room and a nurse with a handheld dermal regenerator was standing there. She smiled as Kathryn entered.

****

‘So you’ve decided to have some dermal regeneration?’ she asked. ‘Yes’ agreed Kathryn. ‘Right, we’ll start on your lower arms and work our way up. I have only read reports of your scars so I am unclear how much damage there is, could I have a look?’ Kathryn took off her top so she was only wearing a vest top and the entire length of her arm was exposed. The damage was extensive with multiple large scars overlaying others covering every centimetre of skin. The nurse winced not unsympathetically and said ‘Looks like you’ve been in the wars.’ She paused before continuing, ‘Right there is quite severe damage here and this may take a while. We could complete this all in one session but that might take several hours. I think it best if I concentrate on just your left forearm as that appears to require the most regeneration and we shall go for an hour and then stop. How does that sound?’ Kathryn nodded her agreement and lay back on the Biobed her left arm raised up on a support

****

The next hour was excruciating. Not physically. The regeneration made her skin a little sore but it wasn’t painful. She had underestimated how much she would hate this and how much it would take to do this. She thought she had found her perfect out but she wasn’t sure how much of this she could take. By the end of the hour Kathryn’s jaw was aching from grinding her teeth, her muscles felt like she had tried to complete a Jeffries Tube marathon and sweat had pooled at the waistband of her trousers. The nurse had attempted to start a variety of conversations but when she had only received only grunts in response she had ceased to chat and had only spoken to tell Kathryn what she was doing. Finally the nurse announced she was finished. Kathryn looked down at her arm and tears came to her eyes. Kathryn caught the smile between the nurse and Nanny. ‘I know it’s a lot to get used to, but I’m glad you’re pleased with the result. Now it will be sore for the rest of the day so please go easy on the skin for the next 24 hours. I shall arrange another appointment for two days time and we can continue.’ ‘Okay’ Kathryn eventfully ground out, her voice creaky like she hadn’t used it for a long time. The nurse appeared to take all of Kathryn’s reactions as ones of gratitude and joy at having a ‘normal’ arm. The nurse placed a hand on Kathryn’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘Don’t worry, we get it all back to how it was very soon’. Kathryn gave the best smile she could muster and climbed off the bed. Nanny had told her that she was free to go outside if she wished but Kathryn didn’t want to. She wanted to go her room and shut everything out. She hadn’t yet put her top back on and her scar free arm swung by her side, stinging slightly at the breeze that was blowing through the open sash windows of the hospital corridors. She kept glancing at it. It was wrong. It wasn’t how it supposed to look. She needed those scars to remind her of everything that had happened and everything she had done. It was the one thing she had that in some way redeemed her and she had eradicated them. She couldn’t do this. It was one thing to talk shit to doctors and lie her way out of here but she needed that scar tissue to say sorry to all of those she couldn’t apologise to and could never apologise to because no apology would be enough. Her morning Damascene conversion now was just a hollow echo in her mind.

****


	5. The Greys

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
**Name:** Kathryn Janeway  
**Date:** 28 July 2379  
**Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
Kathryn’s mood appears to have lifted significantly and we believe that the medication has now reached full effect. It has also done what the team hoped and aided Kathryn’s decision making. Kathryn has completed one round of dermal regeneration. Although she has refused others we think this is to give herself time to adjust to the lack of scar tissue on her arm. She has had three hours off being monitored every day and there have been no incidents. Tomorrow we are shall remove all continuous staffing of Kathryn but keep her on 15 minute observations. The team has applied for a continuation of her Hold as these changes to behaviour are still very new and uncertain, however if things continue to move positively in the next two months then it is likely we shall remove the Hold early.

Starfleet have sent their response to our most recent report (see attached). They are willing to allow a continuation of medical leave but will look for a medical discharge if Kathryn is not fit to resume her post within the next six months. They have also agreed to our advice that if Kathryn does return to Starfleet then it will be within Starfleet HQ and she will not be commanding another ship. The team felt that the stress of her previous command is what caused this episode of severe illness and that an office role will reduce the likelihood of any further episodes. This suggestion is a long term one and we advise against Kathryn ever receiving another command. This has not been communicated to Kathryn and will not be until the team is confident that Kathryn will return to Starfleet. 

Kathryn sat with Sam on that ill fated picnic bench where they had had their first disastrous conversation. Since Kathryn had been released from Nanny she and Sam and been spending more time together. Not every hour of every day. Kathryn didn’t trust herself to be around anyone that long.. She had initially been nervous about returning to that part of the grounds. She didn’t know how she felt about that day, she hadn’t thought about it 

Liar!

Kathryn had thought about that day. She was angry, embarrassed, bewildered and struggled to process what had happened. Part of her blamed Sam even though rationally she knew Sam had not ordered or even suggested she act as she had. Part of her blamed Starfleet for their impossible expectations and shamefully, part of her blamed her crew for blaming her. She knew that latter half of that made little sense. No member of her crew had out right blamed her for what had happened, except maybe just after the destruction of the array and the two crews had swiped at each other constantly for a while. It was more she felt their accusations, if they didn’t blame her then why hadn’t they come to visit her? Or written a message? Any communication at all? She must have failed them and her best simply had not been good enough. Sam must have spoken because she lightly rested her hand on Kathryn’s thigh bringing her back to reality with a thump, ‘So are you going to tell me what you were thinking?'

‘We always talk about me. We have done nothing but talk about me since I arrived. Tell me about you Sammy’ 

‘I’ve told you about me

‘Except you didn’t’ responded Kathryn ‘You told me that you didn’t know why you were here, but I don’t believe that. If I accept that you aren’t delusional then I think you must know why you are here. Or at least why others think you belong here’ she qualified. Sam sat silently for a few minutes gazing down at the city scape below.

‘Have you heard of Section 31?’ Sam asked.

‘No is that a hospital regulation?’

Sam gave a short exhale of breath and a slight smile, ‘no, not a hospital thing, more of a Starfleet and Federation thing’.

Kathryn tried to think back to all the regulations she knew so well at one time that had become distant and jagged memories that were painful to recall. ‘I can’t think of anything significant’. She answered.

‘I thought they had come to the public consciousness a little after the Dominion War’ Sam said.

‘I wasn’t here for that remember. I was stuck 70 000 light years away ‘ Kathryn reminded Sam.

‘So you were. Sorry, I forgot. Well you must have heard of the Tal Shiar or the Obsidian Order’. Kathryn nodded, ‘well Section 31 is the Federation equivalent. Less public than the Romulans like it but then perhaps that makes sense given the Romulans’ enjoyment of paranoia’

Kathryn frowned at Sam, ‘but how have I never heard of them?’

‘They don’t really want to be heard of. The Federation is always held itself up to be the pinnacle of success. How unions work at their best etc. Admitting a need for a secret service would undermine that image’. Kathryn agreed with that statement. If this hospital had taught her anything it was that the Federation did not like anyone to see its perceived flaws and would rather have it that the public was unaware it even had any. ‘Do you believe me?’ asked Sam.

‘I certainly believe that the Federation would have a Tal Shiar equivalent. Had you asked me that eight years ago I don’t think I would have accepted it, but now.’ Kathryn’ voice trailed away and she looked sadly back at the hospital building and then down at her lap. Sam followed her gaze and nodded.

‘Being an outsider can give you a different perspective’ she almost whispered.

‘Yes’ whispered back Kathryn. ‘So why are we talking about the Tal Shiar?’

‘Because my father was a member of Section 31. His name is Sloan. He wasn’t really with my mother in any kind of relationship sense but he used to visit when he could and sometimes he would tell me things that I am sure he shouldn’t have.’ Kathryn didn’t say anything to this but shoulder bumped Sam indicating she should go on. ‘Well when I was at university, in my final year we were discussing the Federation and other historical unions like the European Union and the African Union and their pros and their cons. I then raised the issue of security and the trouble with any union is there will always be boarders and people wanting to cross them or other people who want to destroy the union for political ends. The lecturer then spoke briefly about MI5, the DGSI, CIA and Bundesnachrichtendienst. They were some of the secret service agencies in Europe and North America’ Sam clarified as she saw Kathryn’s bafflement. ‘We discussed some of the ethics of security and naturally this moved on to the present day agencies like the Tal Shiar. Then I asked about Section 31 and whether we thought it was okay for the Federation to have an organisation that was in all likelihood as ruthless as the Obsidian Order. The lecturer looked at me blankly but I thought I had just finally said something he didn’t know about. I spoke about how Section 31 had tried to influence the Romulan Senate by getting a Federation doctor to gain the trust of a Romulan Senator which had resulted in her downfall.’ Kathryn was staring at Sam. 

‘What happened?’ Kathryn asked.

‘The next day I had a team of medical professionals at my door demanding entrance to complete an urgent assessment’

‘And you have been bouncing around different hospital ever since?’ queried Kathryn. Sam nodded. ‘But, and I must be blunt here, why not just kill you? These people surely wouldn’t have the least compunction about killing someone to cover their secrets’. Kathryn said.

‘Perhaps my father asked them not to? I mean telling people that someone is mad is a very effective way of convincing people that everything they are saying must be nonsense. Especially if some of it is far fetched’. Sam suggested. Kathryn again agreed with that statement. If you knew information that was unlikely yet true, diagnosing a person as delusional would be a sure fire way to ensure that information was dismissed. The truth and plausibility were not the same. Also, it didn’t sound like Sam knew very much. Not enough to be an actual security risk, so her father convinced people that this would be the best way.

‘How long a go was this?’ Kathryn asked Sam, trying to piece together the timeline.

‘Four years ago’ replied Sam. ‘They tend to move me every year probably to prevent me telling a sympathetic staff member who then raises it to the public.’

[p]Why not just leave?’[/p]

‘I’m on a Hold the same as you. I can’t leave. They would stop me’.

‘But how secure is the security here?’ Kathryn said softly. Sam looked at her sharply but said nothing. ‘I’ve had to break through fairly sophisticated security grids, the trouble is I had a crew and the ship’s computer to help. Even a tricorder could be enough though, after all, this isn’t a planet’s security net’

‘Kathryn, you will get out of here. They won’t keep you here forever. There’s no need, unless you keep trying to..’ Kathryn prevented Sam from finishing the sentence by glaring at her. ‘Well, as I said, you’ll leave here. Why risk a break out?’

‘It’s just a thought’ replied Kathryn with a shrug.

‘Sure, and one I would leave right here. It wouldn’t be worth it’. 

‘How do you know?'

‘I tried it. The second hospital I was in I tried to escape. I watched the patterns of the staff and worked out the least staffed times of day and memorised the security routes. I got as far as the high street when they caught me’. 

‘Where was this?’

‘The Warneford, Oxford. They moved me to the Bethal Institution on the mainland continent the next day. Probably thought I wouldn’t try and escape as I don’t know anyone near there.’

Sobered Kathryn didn’t want to continue this conversation. If she did plan anything she wanted Sam to have plausible deniability. She was also trying to square a circle; she wanted to return to Starfleet but she wanted to leave the hospital. No one had yet managed to simultaneously give a shape one continuous edge and yet four sides and she was confident she wouldn’t be the first to succeed. ‘You’re right. Forget it. Bad idea. Lunch?’ Sam gave a quick nod and slid off the bench after Kathryn.


	6. Blood Under The Bridge

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
 **Name** : Kathryn Janeway  
 **Admission:** 27 July 2379  
 **Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
Kathryn continues to make progress and has been attending all appointment with her doctors and talking therapists. The principle therapist has informed the team that although Kathryn is still reluctant to talk about the Delta Quadrant she has spoken about her guilt caused by stranding the crew there. She will not go in to details but the therapist is extremely pleased with Kathryn’s engagement. Kathryn has been without 24 hour staffing now for a month and there have been no incidents. Kathryn is still refusing any further dermal regeneration but hopefully this will change going forward. We have arranged a meeting with Starfleet for Kathryn to attend with a plan to look at a possible return date following hospital discharge. 

Kathryn hadn’t brought up the conversation again to Sam. She knew Sam was scared to try and leave again in case she was moved to an even more distant hospital, perhaps in one of the Federation colonies. She also didn’t want to discuss Section 31. Although she did believe it was possible for the Federation to have such an organisation it made her uncomfortable to think about it. It made her question her desire to return to an organisation that wanted to protect a coalition of planets that would treat one of its citizens they way Sam had been treated. Everything she had worked for, everything her father had worked for would have to be examined in a new a harsher light. On a more micro level it also diminished everything she and her crew had gone though. She felt if she opened that Pandora’s box she would not find hope at the bottom, but despair.

Some time after Sam had given her true back story, Kathryn and Sam were sat in a corner of the day room debating whether to go outside despite the rain or whether to go to the library and find the worst fiction they could, when Kathryn’s doctor approached and asked if she could speak to her. Kathryn followed her into the corridor and then in to one of the small meeting rooms scattered around the ward. The doctor informed Kathryn that Starfleet were coming to discuss her next career move with her and that they had been really pleased with her progress. Kathryn was completely thrown by this and all she could think to ask was whether she needed uniform. The doctor explained that this could be easily replicated and they would get the specifications from Starfleet. The doctor was still talking but Kathryn had stopped listening. What did Starfleet want? Had they come to tell her that they no longer wanted her and that she would be medically discharged? Or were they going to ask her more questions about what happened in the Delta Quadrant? The last one was unlikely but perhaps they had gone through some reports and wanted to court marshal her for some of the bending of the Prime Directive. Kathryn realised the doctors had stopped talking and was looking at her expectantly. ‘Sorry?’ said Kathryn

‘So you’ll be ready for the meeting and if you want anyone with you from the hospital then you just have to ask’. 

‘I’ll be fine’ replied Kathryn. 

Kathryn walked back in to the day room if not in a daze then with her thoughts running far too fast. She grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled her up from the window seat she had been sat on. ‘Lets go outside’ Kathryn said almost pushing Sam out of the day room door. 

‘What is it?’ Sam asked when she had been manhandled out of he front door of the building. 

‘Starfleet are coming to see me about my next career move’ answered Kathryn. 

‘Isn’t that a good thing?’ said Sam raising an eyebrow. ‘You might want to tidy up your hair though’ continued Sam. ‘Overgrown, hospital carelessness bob might not be so attractive to the Starfleet types as it is to the patients’. 

Kathryn rolled her eyes. ‘Be quiet. My hair is not the issue’.

‘Maybe not _the_ issue’ said Sam ‘but it’s certainly an issue you might wish to consider’. Kathryn went to smack her arm but before she made contact Sam had gathered her up in to a hug. ‘It’ll be fine’ she said softly in to Kathryn’s hair. ‘They haven’t spoken to you for months, they probably just want to make sure you know what you’ll be doing when you get back’. 

‘Do you think so?’ Kathryn asked, sounding very unsure of herself. 

‘Yeah, I think so’ said Sam. Sam released Kathryn and Kathryn chewed her lip for a minute looking at the ground. 

‘What’s wrong with my hair? I give you this momentous news and you want to talk about my hair?’ Kathryn barked. Playfully she added ‘and I don’t think anyone, patients included, find it attractive’. Sam blushed and Kathryn grinned. ‘But I’ll get it cut if you insist’. Sam blushed an even more vivid red and stared at the brickwork of the wall they were standing next to. Kathryn had to admit she was having fun teasing Sam for her awkward flirting. She had not felt so flattered in a long time. Wondering how far she could push this, she deliberately placed her hand clumsily on Sam’s arm so she brushed the edge of her breast. She heard Sam take a quick inhale of breath

‘You do look attractive to patients’ Sam said tenderly. Realising she may have pushed this further than she meant to and having no intention of having that type of conversation Kathryn chose to misunderstand her. 

‘You are right. As you said, I need to look more professional’. Sam didn’t move for a moment before nodding. 

‘Yes, more professional. It will help your case’ Sam added in a voice very unlike her own. ‘I’ve just remembered I need to go and meet someone. I see you later’ Sam continued in her strange new voice. She quickly turned and strode back inside. Kathryn sighed and gave herself a mental kick for playing games with Sam’s feelings. She would make it up to her later, but right now she needed to plan what she was going to say to Starfleet.


	7. Not Miserable

Two days later Kathryn stood in full uniform, the newer style than what she had last worn with the grey top and red undershirt, with her hair cut back in to the neat bob it had been in when she had arrived back in the Alpha quadrant. She surveyed herself in the mirror. She didn’t think she really looked any different to when the brass had last seen her. This was surely to the good. She left her room and went in search of Sam. Kathryn noticed she got a few more looks from staff members than she usually did as she walked down the corridors. She eventually found Sam in her bedroom lying on her bed doodling on a pad of paper. She looked at Sam, not really sure of what to say. Partly because her own emotions were on a bit of a knife edge but also she was aware that she had begun to play on Sam’s feelings towards her to feed her ego or possibly to give her another thing to feel guilty about. She must have caught Sam’s attention because she looked up and a look of sheer amazement and something that Kathryn couldn’t quite catch passed over her face. ‘Well Captain, you do scrub up well’. Kathryn flushed. ‘Thank you. Hopefully I look more Starfleet and less hospital’ ‘You certainly don’t look hospital. And you know what they say about people in uniform’ ‘That they don’t look like they came out of a several hundred year old asylum?’ said Kathryn with a smile. ‘And then some’ said Sam. Sam closed the distance between herself and Kathryn making full use of her long legs to reach the door way where Kathryn stood. She drew Kathryn in to a hug and put two fingers under her chin so Kathryn looked up in to Sam’s face. Sam gently kissed her before giving her a slight push back out the door and shouting good luck. 

Kathryn stood by the entrance to the hospital her arms folded, leaning on the stone entrance arch. She had just seen the Starfleet personnel outside, principally to prove that she could leave the building. Still in uniform she looked out of place standing there, like a rabbit had wondered on to a transporter pad. She felt a hand at her elbow. ‘How did it go?’

‘They want to promote me to Admiral’ Kathryn answered. 

‘So why the flat tone and lack of emotion? Isn’t that a really, really good outcome?’ 

‘They showed me the hospital reports. It was bad enough them reading about every tiny incident of cutting or whatever other ridiculous title they had for it, but there are notes on when I told staff to fuck off for fucks sake’. 

Sam let out a guffaw of laughter ‘Really? Every fuck off? No wonder my file is so thick’ Sam continued to giggle. Kathryn’s face didn’t change. ‘Look, I can see why that’s embarrassing but it’s not the end of the world. They already knew about the self harm before you even came here’ said Sam. 

‘Don’t fucking call it that.’ Growled Kathryn. 

‘Call it what?’ shot back Sam confused. ‘Self harm. I fucking hate that term’. 

Sam held her hands up in mock surrender ‘alright, alright, I get the message. It wasn’t good.’. 

‘Sorry’ Kathryn muttered still scowling in to the distance. 

‘So will you please tell me why being offered a promotion is a bad thing?’ 

‘I told you, they showed me the reports the hospital had sent. The hospital advised Starfleet to never offer me a command again.’ 

‘What does that mean? Command?’

‘It means I will have a desk job for the rest of the time I am in Starfleet. I am not seen as good enough to command a ship’. 

‘But isn’t admiral higher up than a captain? Or have I misunderstood everything?’ asked Sam still confused. 

‘No it’s a promotion, but Admiral is for when you have had lots of years in command of a ship. I only had Voyager and I never got to do what other captains do. I couldn’t. I had no superior officers, no one to ask and had to make it up. My sole mission as a Captain was to get home. I wanted another ship to get to be a captain in the Alpha Quadrant.’ 

Sam was silent for a while before saying ‘so, to be clear, the hospital are saying that you can’t cope with being in command?’ Sam looked at Kathryn for confirmation of the terminology. Kathryn gave a nod. ‘So they give you a promotion before you would have usually received one to work around the whole thing and get you sat at a desk before your time. Is that about right?’

‘Yes’ said Kathryn. ‘Oh but there’s more. I also have to see a Starfleet counsellor three times a week and agree to have all my scars removed’. 

‘Why would they ask for that part? The scar part I mean?’ 

‘I think they are embarrassed by it and want no reference to it. Seeing a counsellor is something lots of Starfleet personnel do, all the time. They have them on ships to support people because they are aware of the issues that can arise. Dragging a razor blade across your throat is less common. Without that conformity Starfleet couldn’t function. Everyone dressed in neat little uniforms behaving exactly the same as each other’. A sneer had crept in to her voice, the contempt bouncing off each word. 

What you going to do?’ Sam asked softly. 

Kathryn sat down suddenly on the low wall which ran either side of the entrance steps. ‘I don’t know’ she said and put her hands over her face, letting her hair fall forward so she couldn’t be seen. Sam sighed, muttered a few swear words under her breath and sat down next to Kathryn. Sam put her arm round Kathryn and pulled her in. Kathryn resisted, ‘I’m fine’, she said through her fingers. 

‘I know’ replied Sam and Kathryn relaxed against her. 

They sat together like that for about 20 minutes. Neither saying anything. Kathryn eventually pulled away. ‘Do you remember when you told me about why you were here and I asked you how security was around the hospital?’ She had spoken softly and Sam had to lean in to hear. 

‘Mmm’ said Sam. ‘Do you know what the answer is?’

‘No’ replied Sam ‘and I also remember saying that it was not a good idea’

‘You are still not understanding me. Starfleet only want me back on their terms. They put me here because they couldn’t accept a different way to cope with things’

‘I’m not sure that’s quite what happened’ Sam countered

‘It’s exactly what happened.’ Answered Kathryn mutinously. ‘Also, they won’t accept my physical appearance now’ she added slyly knowing that on this point she was on firmer ground with Sam. She saw Sam wavering, ‘I’m not saying I will use the information, I would jut feel better doing something.’

‘Okay, fine we could have a look. Now would be a good time as well. Your promotion probably has the hospital on night mode about you, so no one will be paying too much attention’. 

Kathryn nodded pleased to have got Sam on side for now at least .She shook her head a couple of times to clear her thoughts and headed down steps. ‘I think we should just walk around the perimeter and see what security there is, how old it is and whether it has a weaknesses’. 

‘Okay’ answered Sam ‘but I am not sure how much use I will be at knowing any of that’. 

‘On a purely practical basis you are taller and might be able to see over things I can’t’ answered Kathryn. 

‘So I am essentially your periscope?’ 

‘My friend who is also a periscope?’ offered Kathryn with a slight smile. Sam walked on ahead. 

‘Keep up then Captain, you don’t want your equipment running away from you’. Kathryn gave a full smile this time and ran after Sam. 

They walked around across the lawns and round the flower beds until they came to the hospital boundary. Kathryn could see a force field generator in the grass but she couldn’t see how high the force field extended. She bent down and picked up a stone and threw it up as high as she could against the force field. ‘You try’ said Kathryn. Sam threw a pebble and they saw it bounce harmlessly down the bank on the other side. ‘How high would you say that force field is?’ asked Kathryn 

‘About eight meters’ replied Sam. 

‘Not too high to climb if we found something to use then’ mused Kathryn, but we would be better off trying to cut a hole. Taking out the generators would be the easiest way but they are certainly alarmed and we’d be spotted’. 

Sam placed her hands and Kathryn’s shoulders and spun her round so they faced each other. ‘What are we even talking about here? You said we were just looking. What is with the us here. I told you I have tried this before and it ended really badly.’ 

’ ‘Yes.’ Said Kathryn calmly. ‘But why are you staying here? You aren’t even sure you’ll ever be let out again’ 

Sam winced at this remark but only said ‘But your career?’. Kathryn cut her off. 

‘Not now. If you want to talk about it fine we’ll talk about it, but not now. Right now I just want to find a way out’. 

‘Fine.’ Replied Sam. ‘But before you do anything drastic, promise me you’ll talk to me?’ 

‘I promise to not do anything drastic without you’ said Kathryn. Sam sighed but acquiesced. 

‘Just tell me what to look for’. 

For the rest of the day Kathryn and Sam walked around the perimeter. Kathryn thought she could see several flaws in the boundary, but the most promising was where a force field didn’t quite reach to the wall of the hospital building. The down side of it was that it was right next to the hospital building and the staff room. However, Kathryn thought she could probably widen it a bit by weakening the generator nearest to the gap. She hoped that my simply weakening the power grid by a very small amount, it would not register with security. The light was beginning to fade and Kathryn knew that the staff would miss them. She took Sam’s hand and felt Sam’s finger’s lace firmly between her own. A warning voice at the back of her head began to speak, but Kathryn ignored it. She felt like shit and Sam’s obvious affection was balm to her injured ego. 

When they arrived at the entrance there were about ten staff on the steps with torches looking like they were about to head up a search party. ‘Where were you two?’ asked a staff member. ‘You know the rules. You needed to be back here an hour ago’. Kathryn drew herself up to her full height and smiled apologetically 

‘Sorry. We were celebrating my promotion to Admiral’. The staff member glanced down at their interlaced fingers. 

‘That is also against the rules Kathryn. However, I know today was an important day so we shall leave it at that.’

‘Thank you smiled Kathryn and slid past the patronising staff member in to the building. 

‘You know she thought we were… you know’ said Sam through gritted teeth as they walked back to the ward under the gaze of the hoard of staff behind them. 

‘Possibly’ shrugged Kathryn. 

‘Why did you say we were celebrating then?’

‘She’s easily embarrassed so I knew she wouldn’t pursue it. Haven’t you noticed it before? She blushes every time anyone mentions sex. Plus, as I recall, you kissed me so there’s no need to make a fuss about this now’. 

Sam blushed ‘for good luck’

‘Well then, that was a good luck fuck.’ 

‘Except we didn’t do anything!’ hissed Sam. 

‘A hypothetical, theoretical, fictional, good luck fuck then’ 

‘‘We could make it non fiction’ Sam said so quietly Kathryn barely heard. There was far more sincerity in Sam’s voice than the terrible pick up line could stand and Kathryn began to snort with laughter. 

‘I’m so sorry. But I’ve heard better chat up lines from Ferengi!’ Sam looked at the floor. ‘I’m really sorry. I wasn’t laughing at the suggestion. I’m flattered’. 

‘But not interested’ Sam concluded aloud. 

‘I didn’t say that’. The warning bells were now ringing loud and clear in her head. But fuck she wanted it and right now, didn’t care. ‘Wait in your room’ she said as she turned in to her bedroom. Not wanting common sense to take hold, she waited just enough time to allow the staff to head back on to the main part of the ward and then slipped down the corridor to Sam’s room. Sam was sat on the edge of her bed her hands playing with the covers. Kathryn didn’t knock, just slid inside the room and asked the computer to lower the light levels. 

Kathryn didn’t wait for Sam to say anything. She wasn’t interested in hearing how Sam felt about this or her for that matter. Trying to contain her own feelings of urgency she gave Sam a gentle push so she was lying down and kissed her softly. Sam responded shyly and Kathryn wondered exactly how much experience Sam had. Knowing in every important way that this was not a good idea, Kathryn lifted Sam’s top and ran her finger over Sam’s nipple. Sam shivered in response and encouraged Kathryn threw her leg over Sam so she was straddling her. Sam ran her hands down Kathryn’s back and tentatively let them linger on her arse. Kathryn sounded a groan she didn’t feel (but felt Sam needed to hear it) and began to suck Sam’s nipples. Sam bucked in to her and Kathryn began to make her way down Sam’s body dragging her tongue across her skin. Sam’s skin grew warm in response and tasted of heat and salt. When she reached the waistband of Sam’s favoured shorts set she, in one movement, pulled them and Sam’s underwear down. Simultaneously, Kathryn slithered on to the floor and grabbed Sam’s ankles pulling Sam towards her. Sam obligingly shimmied down the bed until her cunt was level with Kathryn. ‘Tell me what you like’ Kathryn whispered as she ran her tongue over Sam’s clit. Sam flung an arm across her face so Kathryn couldn’t see her expression and just gave a drawn out moan. Kathryn licked small circles across Sam’s clit, building up the pressure with each strike of her tongue. Sam’s pants became faster until at last she pushed herself against Kathryn’s mouth and violently shuddered. 

Kathryn got up off the floor wiping her face on the bed covers and lay beside Sam on her side, resting on her elbow. Sam who had remained in the same position with her arm across her face did not move. Kathryn was waiting for Sam to say something or at least move. Eventually Sam rolled towards her and said: ‘Please don’t leave. Stay with me’. Kathryn said nothing, but took Sam’s hand in her own and guided it under her top. She leant in and kissed Sam stopping her from saying whatever she was going to say next. Sam responded softly and lightly, and Kathryn, giving up on Sam taking the initiative, shoved her free hand in to her underwear and ran two fingers hard and fast down either side of her clit. She desperately scanned her memory for anything that would make her come faster and finally latched on to an old fantasy. Seven catching her with Chakotay, punishing her in all the right ways before making her watch as Chakotay fucked Seven seven ways till Sunday. The orgasm when it hit was disappointing and just left her feeling frustrated and empty. Kathryn stopped pretending to be enjoying what Sam was doing and pulled back slightly. 

Sam who had been content to simply kiss her and run an occasional finger across her nipple felt the change and withdrew her hand. Before Sam could say anything they heard steps coming down the corridor. Kathryn flung herself over Sam and on to the far side of the bed in a move she hadn’t needed to use since her academy days. That side of the bed could not be seen from the door and by lying flat Kathryn hoped her shadow couldn’t be seen either. Sam hurriedly wrapped the blankets round herself. The door opened and a member of staff looked in. Seeing Sam apparently asleep he shut the door. His steps could be clearly heard heading down the line of rooms. Hastily rearranging her clothes, Kathryn hopped over to the door and checking no one was in slight, tip toed out Sam’s room and down the corridor. Sam had not said a word. 

Alone in her room, and with precious privacy Kathryn walked to the far corner and, with one eye on the door, began to dislodge a brick using a slim piece of metal that originally had been the protective edge of a table. The brick edged out a couple of centimetres and Kathryn was able to lever it out with her fingers. Keeping her body at an angle to ensure that what she was doing could not be witnessed through the glass in the door, she thrust her hand in to the cavity and pulled out a small metal blade wrapped in toilet roll. It glinted in the bright hospital lighting. She slipped it in to her pocket and instructed the computer to run the bath.


	8. TheTwist

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
 **Name:** Kathryn Janeway  
 **Admission:** 21 July 2379  
 **Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
Kathryn progress has been limited since her meeting with Starfleet. Kathryn has attended the majority of her talking therapy appointments but has ended all but one prematurely. Her therapists have reported that she is unwilling to further discuss her feelings around her experiences in the Delta Quadrant, except to say that her feelings and behaviours are natural responses to what happened to her. Interestingly, she asked the therapist how she would respond after seven years of fear and stress. She has also refused to answer any questions on her Starfleet career including her promotion. Starfleet informed us that Kathryn has been told the conditions of her return to Starfleet and the team feels that this has increased some of her negative feelings about herself. No incidents of self harm have been reported and Kathryn’s mood appears stable. Kathryn has continued to reject all other offers of dermal regeneration and has on two occasions become verbally aggressive to the staff that spoke to her on the subject. The team believes that she has become unhealthily attached to her scars and finds their removal emotionally painful. We believe that perhaps a daily skin check will help Kathryn become less attached and begin to view them as a symptom of her illness. She is continuing to accept medication and we are examining the possibility of her commencing on the route to medication self administration. Dr Amir and Starfleet have agreed that Kathryn should be removed from her Hold by the end of next month but she must agree to stay here with a view to discharge after two months of voluntary admission. 

Kathryn sat in her therapist’s office. The room was painted a shade of pale green that Kathryn supposed some one somewhere had concluded was the most restful colour. It reminded her of a Borg cube that was running low on power. Kathryn was tired of these sessions and this pretence she had to put up. Occasionally genuine thoughts and feelings were coming out which frightened her and had made her back off from the sessions. The therapist was waiting for an answer, ‘Kathryn, I don’t mind sitting here in silence. Silence can be helpful, but I feel that yours is not the silence of someone who is thinking things through and more the silence of someone who is desperate to keep quiet.’ More silence followed as Kathryn concentrated on pulling a loose thread from the pale blue sofa she was sat on. ‘Why won’t you accept more dermal regeneration? I know you know that is a condition of your return to Starfleet’. 

‘I have never said I won’t accept it’ Kathryn muttered ‘I just want to do it on my own terms without people asking me about it every five minutes’. 

‘If you look at your arm that has been healed, how does it make you feel? Why don’t you look at it now and tell me the first things that come in to your head’. 

Kathryn gave an involuntary start. Fuck. She couldn’t show it to her, it no longer looked the way it had. Fresh scars lay across it like a map of railway lines. Junctions intersecting points systems, leading to stations and halts before ending at a bloody terminus around her wrist. Kathryn thought quickly and concluded that she needed to play it as near to the truth as damn it to end this conversation. Kathryn told the therapist that her scars gave her satisfaction and the lack of them gave her guilt. She needed to punish herself for all the poor decisions she had made and all she had put her crew through with her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s Array. Happily this distracted the therapist enough and Kathryn spoke truthfully about how guilty she felt about that decision and how it had halted the crew’s lives for seven years. She didn’t want to tell her this but she knew if the therapist saw the updated damage to her arm then she would be back where she had started and this entire effort would have been for nothing. Thankfully the session drew to a close before too long and Kathryn was able to escape. Before she left the room, the therapist asked her to wait as her doctor would like to speak to her. Kathryn perched on the arm of a chair and waited and before too long Dr Amir walked in. The doctor and therapist had a hushed conversation in the doorway before the door closed and Dr Amir sat down. 

‘Kathryn, I just wanted to have a word with you as the team has been a little concerned how things have been going for you recently and we think we have a way to support you to move forward. I know you have refused all other dermal regenerations and we think that perhaps this is because you feel your scars represent the punishment you feel you deserve. We want to help you challenge this attitude so we are proposing a weekly skin check which we feel will help you spend more time thinking about your scars as just part of your illness and not as a definition of yourself.

‘How?’ demanded Kathryn to what she felt was pure sophistry. 

‘In my experience’ Dr Amir continued, ‘people who become attached to their scars want to keep them as proof that they have punished themselves sufficiently and to let others’ know that they know they have been wrong. By removing them it can force a patient to face the emotions behind the scars and a skin check can also help with this. We also find that it acts as a deterrent and encourages patients to develop healthier coping strategies.’ 

‘So, to be clear, you humiliate, frighten or bully people in to this so they find an even more secretive coping mechanism? It also sounds like a threat doctor. And I don’t like threats and I don’t like bullies’.

‘I’m sorry you feel that way Kathryn but in order to move forward we really feel this is best approach. Think about it’. Kathryn rolled her eyes as the doctor left the room. 

Kathryn was now becoming concerned. She was worried she would have to accelerate her plans. If the staff became aware of the fresh cuts then she would almost certainly have Nanny back with her, but she was also worried about Sam. She hadn’t seen her since she had slept with her. She had made a huge mess of it, but the desire for pain and punishment had been too strong. Sam had wanted her and she had wanted Sam so she could feel ashamed. She was also ashamed to acknowledge she was more worried that Sam would tell a member of staff about her plans than she was about anything Sam might be feeling. 

She had half heartedly looked for Sam, but when she had been unable to find her in the communal areas and Sam had not responded to the soft taps at her door then she had stopped trying. In a bid to ease her conscience (and, she privately admitted, make sure Sam had kept her mouth shut) she got up from her bed to make her way to Sam’s room when there was a sharp tap at the door. Thinking it might be Sam; she shot to the bedroom entrance and opened the door. In front of her in full uniform stood Chakotay.

‘Kathryn’ he smiled. 

She stepped back sharply. What was he doing here? How did he know she was here? If he knew did the rest of the crew know? She had no clear recollection of the time before she came to the Bethlam. She remembered Voyager shooting out of the Borg conduit and being greeted by Starfleet and some of the initial debrief. She remembered Chakotay standing solidly behind her, his hand on the small of her back keeping her steady, but it became fuzzy after that. She thought she had been behaving normally and everything that was coming undone was behind closed doors, however, in her more realistic moments; she knew that couldn’t be true. The surprise must have registered on her face, because Chakotay immediately started apologising for having not warned her that he would be visiting. Silently, she waved him in to her bedroom. 

‘I’m sorry Kathryn, I should have sent you a message and I’m sorry I haven’t come before’. Kathryn continued to say nothing which clearly increased his discomfort because he started to speak rapidly, the words falling over themselves . ‘I didn’t know what to say to you Kathryn. I saw you gradually sink down lower and lower and I didn’t know what to say. For seven years you were my Captain and my strength and I couldn’t watch you break like that. I am so very sorry’. Kathryn gave him a half smile. 

‘It’s okay Chakotay. You weren’t the only one who couldn’t find the words’. He had sat on the chair in the corner of the room and had lowered his head into his hands but when she spoke he had looked up again. 

‘Do you want to go for a walk?’ she asked him. 

Her intentions were only half formed but she needed to stop the gnawing fear and churn of emotions. Together they walked through the grounds, Kathryn lead him to the wooded area with the drinking fountain. He had been telling her about what the crew were now doing, how Miral was thriving and Harry and finally been promoted! Kathryn knew these people were important to her, but they felt so distant after everything that had happened she struggled to listen as closely as she usually would. Chakotay had stopped talking and was looking down at her. ‘I haven’t asked, how are you Kathryn?’ Instead of answering she pushed Chakotay back against a tree and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t respond at first but when she drew her tongue across his lips he opened up and let her in. Despite the push, Kathryn was gentle and Chakotay pulled her in towards him so tightly she thought she would bare his mark the next day. When a lack of oxygen forced them to pull apart, she looked at him momentarily before she dropped to her knees and mouthed at his cock through his trousers. 

‘Shit Kathryn, why now?’ She didn’t answer but began to undo his button and his fly. Chakotay moaned softly as his cock sprung free and she licked a line on the underside from base to tip before twisting her tongue around the sensitive nerves at the head. She tipped her head up towards him and in a tone that was practically begging he told her that he wanted to fuck her mouth. Kathryn rested the head of his cock on her tongue before taking him down as far as she could. Tears streaked her face as she tried to relax her throat as he pushed his hips forward. She felt him tense as he tried to hold on and he roughly pulled Kathryn to her feet. He kissed her savagely, nipping her lip and exploring her mouth with his tongue. When he had finished, he pushed her back slightly;

‘I want to fuck you until you scream and beg me to fuck you again.’

Kathryn’s breath hitched, ‘then fuck me commander’

Chakotay pushed up the skirt of the grey dress she was wearing and pushed his hand inside her underwear. “so wet for me Kathryn’ he murmured as he rubbed his finger over her clit. ‘Do you want to feel my cock inside you?’ 

‘Fuck.’ 

Chakotay grabbed Kathryn round the waist and she twisted her legs around him as she guided his cock into her. She began to move and she could feel his arms shake. He slid down the tree he was leaning against until he was sat on the ground. Kathryn moved her hand under her skirt but Chakotay batted it away and now with his free hand he touched her clit. Kathryn could feel the heat at the base of her spine and in her stomach begin to build and she felt Chakotay’s movements become more rapid and sloppy. He came with a shout as he emptied himself in to her. Kathryn shuddered as the heat of orgasm rushed through her and she fell forward on to Chakotay’s chest. They both sat there panting for a few minutes before Kathryn pushed herself off his rapidly softening cock and tried to ignore Chakotay’s spunk running down her leg as she moved her underwear back in to place. Chakotay stood up too, pushing his dick back in to his trousers. They stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. It had not been sweet or gentle like she had imagined it would be all that time ago when she had first began to daydream about sleeping with her first officer. It had been a fuck of release, of pent up emotions and recognitions. 

No one said anything. Chakotay leaned back against the tree looking away from her, his shoulders hunched as though he was in pain. ‘You never answered me. Why now? Now, when I am with Seven and you are locked away’. 

‘This didn’t all come from me Chakotay.’

‘Is this about Seven? Or me? Which one of us did you want? Chakotay was shouting now. ‘Because I never knew. On New Earth before Seven arrived I thought we could have had something, but when your favourite Borg shows up things change. And now is the time you decide who you want?’ 

‘What makes you think I want you Chakoay?’ Kathryn replied her anger making her voice more staccato than usual. She knew she was getting reckless but she was not going to have Chakotay talk to her like the doctors, like she did not understand her own mind. Chakotay have a low laugh:

‘No, why would you want me? Captain Janeway, always trying to save her crew, but not above using them for her own ends. Don’t think I didn’t hear the rumours about you and crew members from the lower decks, or don’t remember when you pushed us all to our limit to satisfy your need for revenge. Is this just one more instance of revenge Kathryn?’

‘Revenge? Revenge for what?’ She spat back.

‘For Seven, for telling Starfleet I was worried about you, for not preventing this.’ Chakotay waved his arm towards the hospital building.

Kathryn unfolded her arms and her expression softened ‘you spoke to Starfleet about me?’

‘Yes.’ Replied Chakotay, lowering his voice and staring down at the grass. ‘Do you remember that day I came to see you in your new office, just after that really lousy debrief which pissed off everyone?’ Kathryn nodded. She remembered that debrief well. They had closely questioned lots of reports and decisions including mixing the Marquis crew with Starfleet. It had upset all of the senior staff. ‘The door lock of that office was faulty, do you remember?’ Kathryn nodded again. The mechanism would open when someone walked passed like the automatic doors she had been through when Voyager had found itself back on Earth chasing Henry Starling. ‘I walked in and I saw you with a razor pressed to your arm. The blood was dripping on to your desk and you were just stood there, frozen. It terrified me Kathryn. I felt I had no choice but to speak to someone.’

‘I thought no one knew. I thought no one saw.’ Shaking her head Kathryn continued, ‘even knowing that Chakotay, it doesn’t change anything. I don’t want revenge.’

Chakotay ran his hands over his face. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just after all those years’, Chakotay paused ‘and now it’s too late’. 

Kathryn didn’t need him to explain. Their moment had passed, lost when her emotions began to unravel. He didn’t need someone like her anymore. She was spoilt goods and he could have whomever he wished. Someone whose body and career was still shining and untarnished. She could feel the weight of his words and all they implied. 

Chakotay stood awkwardly, almost as though he was waiting for permission to leave. She stifled the irritation that he was looking for her to make it okay for him to walk away. She decided to make it easy for him. It didn’t matter any more. ‘It’s okay Chakotay. I wish you and Seven every happiness. I’ll be leaving here in a month, maybe we could have lunch together?’ She was rewarded with a dimpled smile. 

‘I would like that. Just let me know when’.

She nodded. Chakotay bent down and kissed her cheek. ‘Good bye Kathryn’. She smiled at him and he turned away and walked away across the green, green grass. 

She felt drained. Confronting her past and acknowledging that nothing could be as it had been. The Delta Quadrant had changed her; the years of loneliness, fear and denial had left their mark on her bones. She wasn’t the Kathryn Janeway who had stepped on to the USS Voyager nearly eight years ago. She was lost, somewhere 70, 000 light years away and she would never return to walk the streets of San Francisco. For those seven years she had concentrated on getting home and when she had finally arrived she found that she could no longer exist in that universe. The surreal world of the hospital had allowed her to remain suspended between the Delta Quadrant and reality but it had felt like a holding cell causing her already fragile self to break further. If she stayed here she would keep breaking until she was only a pile of dust dressed in her skin. It was time to leave. 

Kathryn climbed the steps to the hospital building the tricorder she had removed form Chakotay’s belt hidden in the folds of her skirts. She rounded the corner of her bedroom doorframe to be confronted by the sight of Sam sat in the corner chair with her head in her hands like an echo of Chakotay a couple of hours before. Kathryn stopped short. Sam had not looked up and Kathryn hastily lifted up the mattress and hid the tricorder. ‘Sam?’ Sam sat up her face was blotchy and miserable and her eyes were red from crying. ‘What’s happened? Are you okay?’ Sam snorted and gave a hollow chuckle. 

‘Are you seriously asking me what happened?’ Kathryn looked at her steadily, the bravado of facing down numerous hostile species standing her in good stead. Sam stood up and crowded Kathryn against the wall. ‘I saw you’. Sam shouted. Kathryn looked towards the door worried that someone at any moment would come bursting through. Sam must have had the same thought ‘I saw you’ she repeated in muted tones. 

‘Saw me?’ 

‘With him. I was out in the grounds and I saw you where we sit, where we talk, why did it have to be there? Why did you do that with him? Why don’t you want me?’

Kathryn was torn. She knew she had used Sam the other night, knowing that Sam’s feelings did not match her own and that she had taken Chakotay to that part of the grounds to satisfy her own needs to intensify her emotional chaos, however, she didn’t anticipate Sam ever finding out and even so, this was ridiculous. However, guilt was an effective straightjacket. ‘I’m sorry Sam, I didn’t think’ Kathryn conceded a half truth. Sam backed off and started pacing the room. 

‘You didn’t think? You didn’t think I would mind you fucking someone else?’ 

Kathryn was rapidly losing her cool ‘we aren’t a couple Sam, one shit fuck does not make us a couple’. Kathryn regretted the words the moment she said them and she looked warily at Sam. Sam stopped her pacing and strode towards where Kathryn was standing still up against the wall of the room. Sam grabbed her by the wrist and lifted Kathryn’s arm in the air whilst using her other hand to push the sleeve back. Kathryn’s arm was unprotected by fabric and the large unhealed gashes with flecks of dried blood could be seen. 

‘Get your hands off me’ hissed Kathryn. 

‘Does he know about this? Would he still want you if he could see what a fucked up mess you are Kathryn?’ 

‘Shut up Sam. Shut the Hell up’. Kathryn practically growled. Sam dropped Kathryn’s arm and the she pushed the cotton sleeve back in to place. Sam sat back down in the chair. Kathryn glared at her “piece of advice Sam, don’t ever say that again.’ Sam looked at her mutinously her hazel eyes darker than their usual shade. 

For several seconds they just remained how they were, ‘fuck it’ muttered Kathryn. She walked over to where Sam was sat ‘is this what you want?’ she said darkly before crushing her lips against Sam’s. Sam responded immediately and kissed Kathryn back. Kathryn broke the kiss and ran her tongue down Sam’s neck, stopping to bite and suck bruises in to the unblemished skin. Sam had clearly been holding her breath as she gave a violent inhale as Kathryn ran her hand over Sam’s breast, gently pinching the nipple. ‘You didn’t answer me, do you want me to want you like this?’ Kathryn said, her voice low and honeyed. 

‘Y-yes’ stuttered Sam. ‘

Good girl’ replied Kathryn as she slid her hand in to Sam’s underwear the tips of two fingers playfully across Sam’s clitoris. She teased Sam mercilessly pushing her close to orgasm and then stopping. Sam was reduced to a whining mess as she begged Kathryn to let her come. Kathryn took Sam’s hand and guided it to her own clit. ‘Make me come and maybe I’ll let you’. Sam’s hand was less practiced than Kathryn’s but she was already close before Sam had even touched her. 

The thought of Sam’s hand running over her cunt where Chakotay’s spunk still clung to her made her feel so used and humiliated. It fed the thing that drove her desire for self destruction. The desire for shame and hatred overrode the nagging thought at the back of her mind that she was again using Sam as essentially a Klingon pain stick. Kathryn felt her own orgasm building and moved her own hand back to Sam’s cunt to push Sam to the edge. Sam came with a shout and Kathryn followed a second later. Sam lay back in the chair and Kathryn sat down suddenly on the floor, her legs feeling not yet able to carry her the additional half a meter to the bed. Sam’s shout drew staff and they knocked and came in. Kathryn thought they could certainly guess what had happened as the staff member observed the scene. Both women were red and panting, Kathryn’s hair was mussed from Sam grabbing at it and Sam’s shorts sat half way down her legs with only her long top covering her. 

‘Alright in here?’ the staff member asked with a lewd smile. Kathryn ignored him, whilst Sam flushed an even brighter shade of red. ‘I take that as a yes’ he said and with another lascivious leer and backed out of the room. The anticipated and longed for guilt hit Kathryn like a wave. She knew and wanted this before she had even acted as though she wanted the guilt and the resulting punishment. Had she grown so used to this paradigm of crime and punishment that she now actively sought it out and was prepared to use anyone to get what she wanted? Why couldn’t Sam do the decent thing and leave the room? She needed to be by herself to ensure that retribution was meted out correctly. She saw Sam get up slowly and Kathryn turned her face away from her, not able to look the woman she had used so casually. She could feel Sam’s eyes on her, as she left the room. Kathryn heard the sob before the door even closed. 

With Sam’s words going through her head; 

_‘Would he still want you if he could see what a fucked up mess you are?’_

This was the end. With the blade pressed firmly to the skin of her upper arm, her thoughts were clearer than they had been for a long time. She was able to sweep away the lies she had told herself about returning to Starfleet whilst also planning to escape the hospital knowing that if she did that she could never return to Starfleet. Cognitive dissonance. Well to Hell with them. She was going tomorrow. She would spend the early evening working out the frequency the generator operated on and then she would find a way to get through the field. Kathryn knew she would have to leave in the middle of the night, as there was too many staff in the grounds in the day. If she got up and wandered around a night she might be able to bullshit her way through but if she were carrying a bag this would raise suspicions. If she took the bag out during the day and then only carried small items like a PADD then she stood more of a chance. Kathryn began to make a mental list of everything she would need and where she would go when she was out. She did not leave her room that evening and went over her plan memorising it so she would make no mistakes. She fell asleep that night easily, tomorrow was her last day, as Kathryn Janeway and she couldn’t wait to say goodbye. 

Things went to plan, she knew the frequency, knew how to drop the generator strength at the weakest point, had a rucksack packed and hidden in the tree she had fucked Chakotay against, all she needed to do now was to wait until the shift change at 2.00. This was probably when there were the fewest staff around the building and none in the grounds. She knew she would be doing this alone. She couldn’t tell Sam. Not after her treatment of her and Sam’s behaviour. The claims of ownership still rang in Kathryn’s ears and that was a complication she did not need. The day dragged, she tried to stay in her room as much as possible but when staff suggested that she spend time with the other patients she felt she had to, as she wanted to give them no reason for concern. She sat in the day room and chatted distractedly to people keeping half an eye on the staff to see if they suspected anything. She had forgotten she had a therapy appointment and half considered missing it but was too anxious that this would lead to something that she relented. 

Hesitantly, Kathryn sat in her usual sofa. She deliberately relaxed her shoulders and leant forward, the stance any Starfleet officer would take when they wanted to look engaged. The therapist asked her usual questions about how she was and how the last few days had been and Kathryn tried to give vague, yet upbeat responses. It didn’t wash with the therapist.

‘It sounds to me Kathryn as though you want to deflect something or don’t want to be here. I always thought that this was because you had things you were desperately trying not to say. Why don’t you let yourself say them? What kind of things do you think I wish to say? Maybe why you don’t want further dermal regeneration, or why you feel as though you deserve punishment?’ 

Kathryn felt she was wound so tight that she was second guessing every answer she gave. Would being honest put her at risk of Nanny returning? Or would honesty be viewed as recovery and a positive step? 

‘I know you have thought us punitive in our approach Kathryn, but it was only to keep you safe and to help you move forward. If this is what is worrying you, details of what you say is rarely passed along. Only the gist. I don’t think you have anything to fear Kathryn. You forget how far you have come and how hard you have worked’. 

The coil of energy was getting tighter and tighter as she sat there and she doubted her ability to lie effectively and she knew the therapist wouldn’t accept something generic and positive. ‘I found the last dermal regeneration far harder than expected’. 

‘Why was that?’ ‘It meant letting go of everything and to an extent everyone’

‘I can understand the everything I think, but why everyone?’ 

‘Each of those scars was for someone and without that then my crew and the people I was closest to for seven years would be gone.’

‘I don’t follow you. You needed to punish yourself for each person you felt you let down?’ 

‘Yes, maybe. But more than that, there were times when we all nearly gave up, when things were really bad and I made decisions that weren’t, in hindsight, good decisions. The scars were there for each person who I let down. A specific incident where I let down my first officer and nearly killed another man. Quite deliberately. If there was no scar for that then how could I look at him again? Knowing that I had served no penance?’ 

‘Would you have told your former first officer of the scar relating to the incident?’ 

‘No. Of course not’. 

‘Then how would he know you had, in your words, served penance?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose, that had he ever brought up the incident, I could prove I knew I was wrong and had been punished.’

‘Would you want your former first officer to punish themselves for any of their transgressions?’ 

‘No, and I know where you are going with that. I am not saying I am different or special but it is just how I feel.’

‘What if you did let go of the guilt and the punishment Kathryn? What would happen?’ 

‘It wouldn’t be right. The balance would be disturbed.’ 

‘So, by your logic, anyone who makes a mistake, even under indescribable pressure should be physically punished and this punishment shouldn’t end? That’s very harsh. Don’t you think people deserve forgiveness and the chance to be forgiven?’

‘What if forgiveness never came?’

’So your former crew came in and said Captain, we will never forgive you for what you did to us?’

‘Yes’ Kathryn whispered. 

‘That sounds like a frightening and lonely place to be. To be believe that what you did was so appalling that not only must you suffer constant punishment but that you are unworthy of life.’ Kathryn didn’t say anything to this observation, not even to contradict the obvious reference to a suicide attempt. ‘I think our time is nearly up Kathryn. I want you to try and think this over. If you were reading about this in a report about another crew and another Captain, what you say?’ Kathryn nodded and got and made towards the door. At the door she paused;

‘I know I have always denied it, but you were right. All the team was right. I did try and kill myself. Afterwards Starfleet Medical asked if I could explain why I wanted to die. I refused to answer and just denied it but I could explain it. I could explain it because it wasn’t inexplicable. I looked at all I had done and couldn’t see a way back. The lives I had destroyed, the people my decisions had killed. You can’t come back from that so I chose to die. It was logical as an old friend of mine would say.’


	9. Swim until You Can't See Land

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
 **Name:** Kathryn Janeway  
 **Admission:** 21st July 2379  
 **Status:** Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)  
Kathryn has made excellent steps forward today and has begun to truly engage in talking therapies. She also has taken ownership of her suicide attempt. Kathryn has continually refused to acknowledge that she has made any attempts on her life and the team feels that this is an extremely positive step. Kathryn also has booked in a further dermal regeneration session when a therapy session was offered to coincide with the treatment. The team are happy to recommend an early release from her Hold and a return to Starfleet in the next six months. It was reported that that she and another patient might be involved in a sexual relationship. Both Kathryn and the other patient will be spoken to about this if any confirmed incidents occur, as we believe that any relationship Kathryn may have would not be conducive towards recovery. Kathryn’s sense of identity has been very fractured since admission and a relationship may compromise any rebuilding of her sense of self. 

It went like clockwork. At 2.00 Kathryn could hear the staff assembling for a handover. At 2.10 she could hear that they were deep in conversation. Keeping her light off she had edged open her bedroom door and slid down the corridor. Trying to look as though she had a distinct purpose. Reception was closed for the night, but security was still around. She waited for security to pass on their rounds and had shot out the building and in to the nearest shadows. She made her way across the grounds until she had reached the tree. She had retrieved her bag and was now sat at the force field. She could see the staff in the light of the staffroom, but the window was high and by keeping close to the wall she was sure she could not be seen. The power in the generator had been dropped and there was a gap in the force field. She was only centimetres from freedom. She ground the tears of frustration from her eyes. She had not reckoned on where the gap in the force field would form. It was a good 50cm off the ground. She doubted she could jump it and not touch the field and she could not find anything to stand on. Panic was now setting in. She would be missed soon and then more security would be deployed to search the hospital. Even if she wasn’t missed the patrolling security team would be coming back her way shortly. She wondered if she could get far enough to not be found if she did hit the field when a sharp crack made her spin round. If she was discovered now, she didn’t know what she would do. Kathryn pressed herself in to the shadow of the building remaining as still as possible. There was now a definite rustle of foliage as whoever or whatever moved nearer to where she was. Kathryn held her breath waiting for the restraining hand of security, but it didn’t come. Instead she felt the light tap and someone whispering her name.

‘Sam?’

‘I saw you go. I didn’t want you to go alone and I realised you were right. I won’t get out of here. They will never release me.’ Kathryn gripped her wrist, a long emotional conversation was not what was needed right now. 

‘Help me’ Sam immediately saw the problem and knelt down in the soil. ‘Stand on my back and jump. If you stay low you shouldn’t touch the field’.

‘What will you do?’ 

‘I can step over’. 

‘Fine. But when we are both through we need to run. Don’t ask questions, don’t look back just run’. 

‘Okay.’ 

Kathryn stepped gingerly on to Sam’s back. The gap, although off the ground was actually fairly substantial and she stepped through and she jumped to the other side with ease. Sam had got to her feet the moment she felt Kathryn leave her back and stepped though carefully on the hillside outside the hospital. Kathryn took Sam’s hand and kissed it. They looked at each other, the enormity of what they doing setting in. There would be no retuning from this moment. Holding their linked hands up, Kathryn smiled at Sam in the darkness, ‘run’.


	10. Epilogue

**Bethlam Royal Hospital (London, European Continent, Earth)**  
**Incident Report**  
**Name:** Kathryn Janeway and Samira Cadogan Hampshire  
**Status** : Held Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365)

At 02.55 Antoine Hume (staff) completed room checks and found both SH and KJ missing from their rooms. Neither were found on the ward and he informed the lead nurse that they were missing. Laura Speight (lead nurse) informed security who searched the hospital building and the grounds. Security did not find either KJ or SH, however a Starfleet issue tricorder was found by the force field generator on the south eastern corner of the grounds. Security detected a gap in the field and determined that both SH and KJ left the site there. Their trail was traced to the outskirts of Bromley South East London. However heavy ionisation then disrupted the trail. It is believed that KJ did this in order to prevent detection. The police and Starfleet Security have been informed. 

 

**POLICE/STARFLEET SECURITY**  
**REPORT:** Bethlam Hospital  
**MISSING** : Kathryn Janeway and Samira Cadogan Hampshire  
Believed to have left the Bethlam together. Last seen at 2.00 on the 15 September. Janeway is on an Article 31 Hold and must be returned to the hospital immediately.  
**DETAILS:** Janeway is not believed to be dangerous. Janeway is a former Starfleet Captain and could be looking to charter a star ship. Knowledge of Starfleet tactics and training may make her difficult to track. Former colleagues have been asked for assistance on her known tactics. Cadogan Hampshire is a dangerous patient, further details pending.  
**REPORTS:** Sightings in Crystal Palace, Reading and Winchester. No further sightings reported.  
**ACTIONS:** Janeway is to be returned to the hospital. Stun if necessary.

**_NB: Admiral Sloane has ordered a shoot to kill on Cadogan Hampshire due to knowledge of sensitive information._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who made it through to the end. 
> 
> This is an old story I wrote and posted on now defunct corners of the internet. 
> 
> There are parts I still like and parts that I'm less sure about, but it's part of the writing journey and so it's here!


End file.
